


The Paramour Offer

by UAs_Fics



Category: South Park
Genre: Adultery, F/M, M/M, Multi, Politcal Marriage, Polyamory, Stick of Truth, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-12
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2020-03-02 08:08:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18807151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UAs_Fics/pseuds/UAs_Fics
Summary: "There is no love in political marriages. So what do you say? Will you be my paramour?"That's the offer made to him by his king and best friend's wife. It's an offer Stan wants to except so badly, but he can't betray Kyle like that. No matter what lies her majesty says about Kyle having lovers of his own.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Technically this was part of Stenny-Week last year, but I didn't finish it in time. Also, the fact that mistress does not have a proper male version annoys me to no end, since 'paramour' doesn’t have the same _vibe_ as a 'mistress'...but I digress.

* * *

* * *

The breeze came as a welcome relief to the blistering summer heat. It rustled the leaves, shaking the shadows as the horses and their riders rode through the forest. Stan reached up and wiped his brow. The weather of the Human lands was hot and terrible. How the inhabitants withstood it, he will never know. 

He glanced over his shoulder. The queen was not bothered in the least by the heat, though that shouldn't come as much of a surprise. These were her homelands, after all. She was used to the awful weather.

The light glinted off her golden hair as she rode, back straight and confidently. It was a wonder she didn't take the lead from Stan. She knew these woods far better than he did. She could have left the main traveling party on her own and been perfectly fine. That might have been her plan, in the beginning, had Kyle not told her she had to bring an armed guard with her if she wished to travel off the main road, or he wouldn't allow it. 

Feeling his eyes on her, she flashed a smile. 

Stan snapped his head forward again, feeling the tips of his ears warm with embarrassment. The queen seemed too friendly with everyone, but with Stan in particular. He'd brought the issue up with his majesty a few times, but Kyle always shrugged him off and told him not to worry about it.

_"That's just how she is. It is better having her as a friend than an enemy, after all,_ " Kyle had wistfully told him.

The clopping of horse hooves stole Stan's attention to his side. The queen rode up next to him. 

"So, how do they compare?" She asked.

"'Compare'?" He echoed.

The queen gestured to the trees. "The forests. How do they compare to the Elven Forests?"

Stan looked around. Of course, the forests here were not nearly as magnificent as back home. The trees didn't tower overhead and block out the sky completely. Their roots didn't dig down deep into the rich earth and their trunks didn't grow wide as ten men standing shoulder to shoulder. In comparison, Human forests were just plain and dull.

"They're nice." 

The queen tilted her head a moment. "Really. I think they're boring compared to yours — I suppose I should say _ours_ , shouldn't I?" She chuckled into her gloved hand. "It's still so strange not to be considered solely a Human ruler."

Stan pointed to his ears as he spoke. "You aren't Human, though. If anything, you have more of a claim to our throne than theirs."

The queen mulled over that then shrugged. "What is a half-orc - half-elf than a Human anyway?"

Stan could not argue with that. Instead, he changed the topic. "So, the wedding we're heading towards. Are Human ceremonies all that different from Elven ones?"

"Less dancing and glass smashing, but more food and drunk relatives. Other than that, they're pretty much the same." 

Stan nearly pointed out that a lot of the traditions that happened at her wedding to Kyle were distinct to High Elves like the Broflovski family, and not to all Elves but decided not to bother.

She let out a dreamy sigh. "I've been waiting for this wedding to happen for so, so long!" She continued. "Craig and Tweek are soulmates. I'm so very excited for them and can't wait to give them my congratulations!"

"I see," Stan responded before clicking to his horse to trot a few paces ahead of the queen. "If you are so excited, why not stay with King Kyle. It would be a lot faster if we had traveled in a large group instead of just to two of us."

"Are you implying you do not enjoy my company, Stan?" The queen put her hand to her mouth in shock. "I'll have you know even after my poor course of actions during the war, I am still quite beloved by the country people." She snorted, urging her horse to keep up with Stan's. "If I want to take the long way and stop by some villages and speak with the common folk and hear their woes, I have every right."

"Of course, your majesty," Stan replied automatically. He knew from his years as Kyle's bodyguard it was sometimes better to just agree with the ramblings of royalty.

"Besides," she went on as if he hadn't spoken, "we are two days away from the main traveling party. It's not as if we were sorely missed when we were away."

Stan raised an eyebrow. "Oh, I'm sure his majesty missed you greatly, my queen. I see how much he adores you."

"I...I'm sure he has." The queen's face fell for a fraction of a second before she perked up again with a smirk on her face. "Who wouldn't? I am the most lovely creature in all the lands." She threw her hair over her shoulder. "Don't you agree?"

Only half to pacify her, Stan nodded. A laugh escaped her lips and she continued talking, though Stan only half listened. 

He took a moment to eye her over. He couldn't say she wasn't unattractive: long, gold hair tied back in a braid, bright blue eyes, a neatly trimmed beard, a face that wasn't the extreme of too sharp like King Kyle or too round like the Wizard King's. She was lean, but not overly so, with a slight waist and palpable aura of grace and elegance.

By both Human and Elven standards, she was beautiful.

Before she could catch him staring at her a second time, Stan turned his thoughts and eyes back to the path before them. If they hurried, they could make it to the next village before the sun set.

After another hour of travel, the queen forced her horse to a sharp stop.

"Do you smell that?" She sniffed.

Worry saturated her voice.

"Smell what?" Stan sniffed the air. He smelled the sweat of their mounts and the distant burning of fires but nothing to concern himself with.

Her mouth fell into a line. "I smell blood."

"What?" Stan gasped. "How? I don't smell a thing."

The Queen carefully urged her horse forward, past Stan. "Orc." She pointed to her nose then sniffed again, "It's a lot of blood, too. A slaughter."

"Maybe the village got word of our coming and is preparing a feast? Perhaps the blood is from livestock?" Stan offered. The last villages they had visited did the same the moment they heard that a queen was in their presence. 

The queen shook her head. She said no more. Instead, she slid from her mount, then took the bow from her back and readied an arrow.

Stan's stomach twisted as he pulled his sword from its sheath. The queen had instincts he never truly understood, but after fighting with her and against her in the war, he knew well it was best to trust her. 

He jumped off his horse before taking the reins and tying it to a nearby branch. The Queen patted her horse on the muzzle, her eyes flashing purple, as she told it to stay put.

The two crept forward down the road; their bodies tense. The woods had gone deadly quiet. The birds no longer chirped nor an insect buzzed. Not even the light breeze stirred the trees.

The heavy silence sent goose flesh across Stan's skin. The queen was right. Only fear drove forest creatures to such quietness.

Suddenly, a scream pierced the silence. Without wasting a second, the two dashed forward. 

Around a bend in the road, they came across a gruesome sight. Blood seeped into the earth. The corpses of at least five Humans laid piled into a haphazard heap. In the middle of the village square, a cage had been set up made of branches and fraying rope. The cage itself looked feeble. Even one of the children cowering inside could easily destroy it, and if not for the hobgoblins keeping guard outside, one of them probably would have. the rest of the hobgoblins ran in and out of homes, carrying away food, blankets, and other valuables.

Stan moved to attack, but the queen held up her hand to his chest. She raised a gloved finger and pointed forward.

A large creature stood, barking orders to the hobgoblins. Thick, matted fur covered its body. Its paws were large and clawed, like a bear, with an upturned pig-like snout on its ugly face. It stood upright, like a man, on its hooved feet.

"What is that?" Stan whispered.

"An ugly son of a bitch," The queen answered, eyes narrowing. "’Man-bear-pig.’ That's what they call it in these woods, but you would probably know it better as a 'bugbear'."

"A bugbear?" Stan took a breath. 

Oh, he'd heard of bugbears. They were goblins of the Human lands, bloodthirsty and wild creatures who kidnapped children and destroyed villages. This one lived right up to its kin's reputation. 

The queen raised her bow. "If I can hit its head or heart, I can kill it."

Stan nodded, readying his blade. The queen's aim was not one to be doubted, but even if they defeated the bugbear that easily, they still had all the hobgoblins to deal with next.

The queen began to mutter under her breath. Magic sparkled at the tip of the arrow. The moment she let loose the arrow, the tip burst into flames.

The arrow shot forward, digging deep into the bugbear's shoulder. It let out an ugly cry of pain. Its claws slapped at both the flames and the arrow.

Without wasting a heartbeat, Stan rushed forward, his sword raised. With a cry, he slashed down at the bugbear. 

The bugbear roared, grabbing his blade between his thickly padded paws. Stan glowered at it before thrusting his foot forward into the monster's belly.

The bugbear stumbled back, blood oozed from its shoulder and its paws. The air stunk of burnt hair.

The queen ran from her cover, bow already firing at the lesser goblins. One of her arrows hit one straight through the eye. A burst of rainbow colored magic expanded from the arrow. The magic wrapped around two nearby hobgoblins and pulled them all into a tight squeeze until the sickening ‘snap’ of neck bones came could be heard. The magic dissipated and three hobgoblins slumped into a dead heap.

Seeing their comrades fall dead, the other hobgoblins froze. They exchange quick looks before turning heel and dashing into the forest.

"I suppose some goblins do have brains in their heads." The queen scoffed, darting past Stan and the bugbear to the cage.

The bugbear let out a low, rumbling growl, turning to attack the queen when Stan slashed forward. His blade bit into its side.

The bugbear turned back its full attention to Stan, swiping forward with its sharpen claws. Stan danced away as the monster came at him. It dove forward. Stan lept to the side, but he wasn't quick enough.

A strangled cry escaped his lips as the bugbear dug its teeth into the flesh of his calf. Gritting through the pain, Stan raised his sword to attack. The bugbear shook his head suddenly to the side then threw out its arm. It smacked the blade from Stan's hands. 

The blade hit the ground and skidded over to the queen. She looked up from the cage, and fear crossed her features.

"Stan!" She cried out, but Stan didn't dare waste any energy responding to her.

The bugbear grunted as its teeth sunk deeper and deeper into the muscle. Stan hit against its thick skull with his fist and tried to pull away, but the bugbear was too strong.

He pulled his free leg back enough to be able to kick the creature in the side of the head, but the attempt did nothing but anger the bugbear more.

"Let him go, you disgustingly shitty wretch!" The queen's voice echoed around the village with both rage and authority. Before either the bugbear or Stan could respond, the queen hurled herself forward, blade in hand.

With a cry of rage, she pierced the sword straight into the bugbear's chest. The monster roared out in pain, finally releasing Stan's leg.

Stan scrambled away, thankful of the adrenaline to do so. An inHuman snarl came from the queen's lips as she twisted the blade in before forcing it deeper. Bones cracked and blood dripped from the bugbear's mouth and out its snout. It heaved and sputtered with unseeing eyes bulging from its head before it stiffened up and lay limp and lifeless. 

The queen spat on its matted fur. "Pathetic creature. I'll have to convince Eric to do something about these backward when I get to the castle."

Stan opened his mouth to thank her, but instead, a gasp came out. He clenched his bitten leg between shaking hands. 

"Stan!" the queen gasped, falling to her knees. "Oh, by the gods!" Her hands hovered over him unsure. After a few heartbeats, she swung her head up and yelled to the villagers, "Is one of you a doctor? A healer? Please! He's hurt!"

The sound of hurried footsteps neared them. Someone hovered close. They said something, but the pain made it impossible for Stan to focus. Gentle hands took his hands from his wound. He tried to put them back, but the hands held firm.

The tingle of healing magic flitted across his skin and the pain began to wane.

"Stan? Stan, how are you feeling?" He heard the queen ask.

He groaned in reply.

"Good. Rest now. I promise it'll be alright."

Stan did not argue with that order.

* * *

His leg still ached when he woke, but the pain dulled down to an unpleasant thudding in time with his heartbeat. His head was fuzzy with the after effects of mediocre healing magic. He let out a loud moan and rolled his head to the side. A thick blanket covered him as he laid on a cot. 

He wanted to push the blanket off and check his wound, but his limbs felt like lead, and he was so, so comfortable under it. 

Just as he drifted back off, the door opened and a beautiful woman came in. She looked, but he couldn't quite remember who she was. A few flirtatious remarks drifted up, but they were so jumbled together, he couldn't pick one away to say to her. She just was so pretty. 

"Can I kiss you?" he muttered, eyes dropping back down, the woman heard him and gasped a little. She said something, stroking his hair from his face, but Stan had already fallen back asleep.

* * *

"You won't be able to travel for another day," the healer told Stan with a frown the next afternoon. "I'll lend you a staff to walk with, but riding is out of the question until tomorrow."

Stan groaned, stretching out his bandaged calf. Of all the towns he could have gotten hurt in, it had to be the one where the magical healer had only a year and a half experience at his craft. Stan had much worse wounds magically healed in half the time during the war.

"Where is her majesty?" Stan took the staff and hauled himself up. He choked down a gasp of pain. The healer held their hands out, but Stan waved them away. "I'm fine. Where is she? I'm her guard. It's my job to keep her safe."

The healer frowned. "Outside, last I saw. She was speaking — somehow — with a crow to deliver a message. The children are very interested in her."

"She is a very interesting person," Stan said more to himself than the healer. The crow must have to been sent alert Kyle what happened and that they would arrive later than expected.

Stan took only a few steps outside the healer's home to find the queen sitting in a small patch of grass with a ground of young children gathered around her. Some women sat nearby, half keeping an eye on the children and half talking amongst themselves.

The queen weaved some flowers into a crown while a gaggle of little girls circled behind her attempting to fix a messy braid.

"There we go," the queen set the crown on a child's head. The child let out a cry of excitement and burst out of the crowd towards a woman with an infant on her knee. A few more broke off from the crowd to follow the first child.

"If you bring me more flowers, I'll make anyone else who wants a crown too." the queen smiled at the children.

"I'll get some!" 

"Me, too! Me too!"

Four children turned on their heels and darted away to fetch some flowers, much to the amusement of the onlooking women.

With a gap in the crowd, Stan stepped forward.

"Your majesty? Is all well?" He asked. All the children turned to him with wide eyes.

"Wooow, he's the guy who helped kill the man-bear-pig!" one whispered. 

"He's an elf! A real-life elf! Lookit, his ears!" Said another.

The queen clapped her hands. "Children, may I introduce the captain of the royal guard, a friend of wolves and badgers, slayer of ogres and bugbears, and a mighty hero of the war, Stanley Marshwalker." 

Stan had a feeling she introduced him so extravagantly to draw some of the attention away from herself. 

One child darted forward, tugging on Stan's shirt. "Lean down! Lean down! I wanna touch your ears!"

Another grabbed his pant leg. "Can I see your sword? Where is it? I wanna use it! I wanna be a hero."

Soon, it seemed as if the queen became the least interesting person in the whole village as all the children gathered around Stan. The women laughed but did not rush to Stan's aid. The queen rolled her wrist in a 'go-on' gesture. 

"Distract them." She mouthed, eyes darting towards the town square, where the rest of the village was still cleaning up after the events of yesterday. The bugbear along with its fallen had been piled atop a stack of wood. The monsters head, however, had been cut off and a thick stick stabbed through its neck. The village would leave it somewhere as a deterrent to other bugbears.

A pang of pity hit his chest. He'd seen villages ravaged by war where children wore hopeless faces, unable to forget the horrors that they'd seen.

"Um, alright," Stan stooped down, still holding tight to the staff, then pushed his hair back behind his ears. "You may look, but don't--"

A flurry of small hands grabbed hold of his pointed ears and yanked him to his knees.

"Wow! Woooow! They're so pointy! Pointy point!" Someone bent back the point of his left ear.

"Do you hear better than people do? Hello! Helloooo! Mr. Elf can you hear me?!" A child shouted right into his eardrum.

"Can you move them like my puppy does?" yet another pinched his ear lobe and tugged on it.

"Oh, no, no, no!" The queen jumped to her feet. She as well as the women peeled the children away from Stan, leaving him dazed on the ground and clenching the staff with white knuckles. He would have rather fought the hobgoblins than deal with that ever again.

The queen bent forward. "Stan? Are you alright."

"What?" He reached up to rub the ear that had been shouted in. "Give me a minute."

The adults scolded the children as the ability to hear returned to him. Most of them did not look all that apologetic. Several were pulling at the tops of their ears instead of listening. He took deep breaths, then stood, careful to keep his weight off the bad leg.

"Sorry," the queen whispered. "I should have known they would do that."

"No, it's fine. I was just surprised is all," Stan whispered back. He took another breath, stepping forward. He said over the din, "I'm guessing none of you have seen an elf?"

The children spun around, instantly moving their attention from the adults back to Stan.

"No! Never!" said one.

"I saw one once," claimed another.

"That was just a weird shaped tree, and you know it!" a third accused.

Stan breathed a laugh and shook his head. "If someone finds me a chair to sit on, I can tell you all about us." 

Soon enough, Stan settled down into a rickety chair, thankful to be off his injured leg. About that time, the children who ran off to find flowers returned with their arms full of blooms and leaves. The queen sat off to the side, continuing to weave flower crowns as Stan started taking questions.

Thankfully, all of them were silly questions that proved none of these children had been more than two miles outside of their home village and nothing outrageous.

"Can Elves only eat vegetables?"  
"Some do, but we don't have to."

"Is it true you can talk to trees?"  
"I can't, but I know some priests who do."

"Can you move your ears? Do you hear better?"  
"Only a little, and, yes, I can hear noises from farther away than you could."

"Do all Elves use magic?"  
"Do all Humans?"

The answer to that final question sent a wave of understanding across the children's faces. They began to murmur amongst themselves.

The queen chuckled into her hand then sent him a smile that made his stomach flip. Moving to hide his ears behind his hair, he turned his attention back to the crowd. At this point, some of the older children had taken a break from helping the adults to stand at the edges of the crowd. 

One whispered to another, and the grin of pure mischief that only teenagers can manage crossed her face.

"I have a question." The teen asked, snorting, "Do, uh, heh-heh, do Elf men have the same, ah, _stuff_ as Human men? You know, uh, down — down there?" 

At this point, she and her friend doubled over, leaning against each other for support. Several of the adults shouted the teens' names reprimandingly as the younger children exchanged confused expressions.

Stan's ears twitched in embarrassment, escaping from behind his hair, and showed off how pink they were. He scrambled to find an answer that wouldn't offend the adults or tip off the children to what the question meant.

"Well, of course, everything is the same," The queen quipped, holding up her final flower crown. "How would there be half-elves like myself otherwise?" She set the crown on a toddler’s head to adjust it. "Though it was my mother who was the elf, not my father, but the principle is the same."

Stan sighed with relief. The growing crowd of adults taking lunch settled down as the two teenagers who asked the question where led away for a talking to. Neither one seemed all that apologetic.

Another teen, this one wearing a surly expression, pushed closer, then loudly, and rudely, asked, "You're half-orc, aren't you? My mom says that's why you did what you did during the war because orcs are power thirsty and ugly. Mom says that you're a half-orc, and daughter of a runaway Elf queen. Is that true? Is that why you stole the relic during the war?"

The queen flinched back but quickly recomposed herself with a simple, disapproving frown. The adults and teenagers in the crowd gasped, several shouting apologies to the queen for the teen's behavior. An adult gripped the teen's arm in a white-knuckled grasp.

"Young man! These two saved our lives, show some respect!" The adult snapped, glancing warily at the queen. "Farther more--"

"I have a question for you, young sir," the queen cut in, speaking in a tone so overly polite and sweet, that Stan shuddered. 

The surly teen shrugged off the adult holding him and stood with his arms crossed, waiting for her question.

The queen stood, brushing off her skirts, then carefully picked her way through the children. As she neared, the teen's bravery wavered and he sunk back into himself ever so slightly.

With a pleasant smile, the queen crouched down just enough that she and the teen were looking at each other in the eye.

"Do you know what the saying _Ni ukhould noav ukpeak abouav whaav ni doeuk noav know, leukav avrolluk ukaveal hiuk aveeavh_ means in common tongue?" She reached up and pinched his cheek. "It's a mouthful, I know, but it roughly translates 'One should not speak about what one does not know, lest trolls steal his teeth.'"

The queen flashed a wicked smile, her eyes flaring purple with magic. She squeezed his cheek tight between her fingers once then stood up straight. The teen's stumbled back, holding his face, looking terrified. 

"Many people did many things during the war they are not proud of; I am no exception," She announced. "But if your mother so wishes it, I'd be willing to explain to her, in full detail, the corrupting effects of centuries-old tainted magic. Though I will admit now, they are less than pleasant."

A woman a few steps from the teen cringed and shirked back behind another woman, who looked at her with disapproval — the surly teen's mother, no doubt.

Folding her hands in front of her, the queen requested Stan to escort her back to the healer's home.

"I'm a bit tired from all that weaving," she explained, waiting for Stan to stand up and follow her back. The adults went right to scolding the teen as the children whined about the queen and her Elf guard leaving them. The queen did not pay them any mind.

* * *

The healer's house had three rooms, two of which were divided into two smaller rooms. The front room held the hearth and was where the healer did their work, the other was a large storeroom for their magic and medical supplies, as well as their food stores, and the third was divided into individual bedrooms.

The queen's room was the larger of the two with a big goose down mattress sitting atop of cot. the queen herself sat down on the mattress, staring out the window into the town square to watch the crowd she had amassed dissolve.

Stan leaned against his staff, chewing his lip. Should he say something? That final question stung her. It was well known amongst the nobility to never speak of the queen's Orc heritage nor her mother's abandonment of the kingdom. 

He wished the royal bard, Jimmy, had come with them. Jimmy could make Kyle laugh until he had a belly ache. He would be perfect for helping the queen’s mood, but Jimmy always stayed with Kyle on trips, just in case some foreign dignitary or custom caused Kyle’ anger to flare and their king needed to cool his head before he did something regrettable.

Stan was alone in this endeavor.

He took a breath. "Your majesty, may I ask you a question?"

"If you fucking have to," The queen grumbled, dropping her royal dignity to swear.

"That spell you used yesterday, to light the arrow, where did you learn it?" He sat next to her on the mattress. She blinked and looked up, surprised that the question wasn't about what had happened outside.

"Oh, that? A simple fire starter spell." She explained. "Heidi taught it to me."

This was a positive topic Stan could use to lift the queen's spirits. Heidi Turner was a Human sorceress that the queen brought with her to the Elf Kingdom upon her marriage to Kyle. She spoke very highly of the magic user, praising her as the best in all of Zaron.

"She's very impressive. Didn't you say she trained under The Wizard King?" Stan planted his staff between his feet and leaned against it.

The queen chuckled. "That's exactly why I took her with me. It made Eric so pissed, I was sure he was going to push me off the top of the castle barracks." 

Stan furrowed his brow but snorted a laugh anyway. "Really? Was she that special to him?"

"Special is an understatement. I think he wanted to marry her, but," the queen shrugged, "Eric is a douchebag, no offense to His Majesty, King Douchebag, of course. Once she started to surpass him in skill, he got so enraged about it, he actively tried to sabotage her studies. I couldn't have such a bright light go out, after all--and the look on his face when I told him I had Heidi studying with the best Elven magic users was priceless! He looked so red like he hadn't taken a dump in a year!" 

"You took her with you just to spite him?" Stan chuckled. "How do you think The wizard king will react to when you tell him that Heidi and Kyle are working closely on a magical project?"

Stan didn't know much about Kyle and Heidi's project, except that it involved the mixing of Human magical tradition and Elven, but he did know that the two had become very good friends since the project began. 

More than once, Kyle had sent Stan from his guard post outside the royal library to fetch an obscure ingredient for their experiments, only to come back to find them joyfully sharing a chuckle.

_"I don't think I've ever met a Human as smart and funny as she is,"_ Kyle told Stan once with a deep fondness in his voice.

In his mind's eye, Stan could almost see the Wizard King explode knowing that his ex-lover and his hated rival king were such good friends. 

He smiled at the queen, expecting her to be smiling at her own mental image, but instead, her face deadpanned and she looked down at her hands.

"Yes. I'm sure he will not be pleased in the lease," She said slowly, "at how close Heidi and Kyle are." 

Shutting her eyes, she told Stan to leave her be for the time being. Guilt gnawed at his stomach but Stan did as he was told.

At the door, he paused a moment to say, "You're a wonderful queen, your majesty, regardless where you come from."

* * *

Later that evening, Stan lay on the cot in his room, a bowl of stew nearly finished in his lap. According to the healer, he should be able to ride by tomorrow morning. If they didn't take any unneeded stops, the queen and he could easily make it to the castle in Kupa Keep before nightfall.

A knocking came from the door before the queen poked her head in.

"Your majesty, is everything all right?" Stan straightened up in his bed.

"Well, yes, but also, no." She wrapped her shawl around her shoulders and crept in, shutting the door behind her. "I have a request."

"Anything," Stan replied, trying not to focus on her chamise's low neckline. Without her corset on, he could see a little more than he felt comfortable with. As he banished any less-than-noble thoughts from his mind, the queen took a seat on the stool next to the bed.

"May I sleep with you tonight?"

Stan nearly choked on his meal. He coughed, beating his chest for a minute, then turned a wide-eyed stare at the queen.

"Excuse me?"

"You see, this room does not have a window, while mine does. Some teenagers kept coming to spy on me all last night, and as tempting as it is to blast magic right in those little shithead's faces, I would rather not give anyone any more reason to dislike me than they already seem to," she explained.

Stan gritted his teeth, looking around. "Where is my sword. I'll teach them how rude that is."

The queen put her hands on his shoulders and pushed him back down. "No need for that. Just let me stay here with you in your room."

Stan pressed his lips into a line but nodded regardless. He made a move to leave the cot for the floor, but the queen shook her head.

"No, no, I can bring my own bedding in." 

A half hour later, the queen sat down on her own cot that she set up parallel to Stan's. 

Stan asked, "Are you sure you don't want one of these blankets?"

"I'm fine," The queen reassured.

"Of course, you're majesty." Stan bent himself in a half bow from his bed.

The queen frowned at him. "You can call me by my name. I know you call Kyle by his."

Since their shared childhood, Kyle had been Stan's best friend. Their bond was close as brothers, while Stan could only call the relationship between him and the queen friendly at best.

"Is that an order?" Stan asked.

The queen hummed. "Yes, I think it is. You have to call me 'Kenny' when we are alone together, understand?"

"As you wish, your maj — Kenny," Stan corrected. 

Kenny smiled at him, her eyes twinkling. The tips of his ears heated up. Stan turned his head away from her and pretended to scratch the scalp right above the tip of his ear so she couldn't see. 

She was so lovely. Kyle was a lucky, lucky Elf. Sometimes he wished Kyle had passed on the offer to marry her so Stan could have attempted to court her. He had enough noble blood in him, along with his achievements as a war veteran, to have attempted with no complaints that he was overstepping his bounds — not that it mattered at this point.

"One more request, Stan." Kenny swung her legs off the cot. "Would you mind if I removed my glamour?"

Stan furrowed his brow, turning back towards her. "You have a glamour spell on?"

Of course, Stan was no magic user, but he could usually detect basic illusionary spells well enough, especially at such short range. Perhaps Kenny's natural magical aura drowned it out, he thought.

She smiled sheepishly. "Yes, I'm afraid so. Maintaining it without thinking is second nature after all the years I've done it, but I do like to give it a rest every now and again."

"Of course you can. I don't care." Stan told her, trying to keep the curiosity out of his voice.

Kenny clasped her hands together with a grin. "Lovely. Thank you!"

The next moment, the queen changed. The hair on her arms and shoulders grew thicker and wiry, like bronze wire. Her bottom canine teeth poked out over her top lip and her muscles became more defined. 

Her natural strength was so evident, that Stan couldn't help but to admire her. She might not have met the beauty standards set by Elves or Humans, but she was starting to meet all of his.

"That's better." She stretched then caught Stan's gaze on her. She cocked her head coyly to the side. "Enjoying the view?"

"Yeah," Stan replied instantly. "I mean, you look as radiant as ever. I don't see why you keep it on."

A sad smile crossed her lips. "Well, that's one person who thinks that."

"Two. His majesty must think so, too," Stan pointed out.

She barked a laugh. "Oh, no, he does not. He actually becomes quite uncomfortable when I remove my glamour around him."

Kyle was many things, but shallow enough to tell his wife to hide her true face because he didn't like it, he was not. And if he was, he would have told Stan about it. 

"But he loves you." Stan shook his head. "That doesn't make sense."

"There are many kinds of love, Stan." She stood and went to stand over him. Kenny tilted her head at him, something soft in her gaze that made Stan's heart thump loudly against his ribcage. She leaned down and kissed his cheek.

"What Kyle and I have isn't the love you think it is," she whispered into his ear. 

Not just Stan's ears went red this time. His whole face was the color of a fresh strawberry as the queen pulled back, but not entirely, out of his personal space. She lifted her knee onto the cot so it brushed against Stan's side.

"I don't—"

"I admire Kyle as a friend and a leader, and as far as I know, he admires me the same way, but we don't love each other, not like that. I don't think we could ever see the other in that way."

"But..." Stan puttered out, his head spinning. Before he could speak another word, Kenny placed a hand on his cheek and stroked under his eye with her thumb.

"You, on the other hand, I can see with me in _many_ ways." She pressed her lips to his forehead as she spoke. He could feel her lower canines against his skin, and he didn't dislike it.

"There is no love in political marriages. So what do you say? Will you be my paramour?"

Stan's mouth gaped open and shut like a freshly caught trout. It was hard to breathe, and his body felt like it was melting from the heat. A heavy, guilty, enthusiastic 'yes' sat on his tongue, pushing against his teeth to get out. He swallowed it down. It tasted bittersweet.

"I...I can't," Stan stammered. "You're my best friend's wife. I can't do that to him." Stan put a firm hand on her shoulders and pushed her back. "And I can't believe you would do that to him. You took a vow!"

"Keep your voice down!" Kenny looked over her shoulder towards the door. "I'm not doing anything Kyle isn't already."

Stan narrowed his eyes. "Are you implying my king is an adulterer?"

"I'm not implying; I'm confirming." She readjusted her shawl. "He had lovers well before I was married off to him by Eric. Jimmy and Heidi, both."

Stan shook his head. Of course, he knew Kyle and Jimmy had gotten particularly close when Stan left for training when they were teenagers, and that Kyle and Heidi spent many hours studying and comparing the magic of their two peoples, but Kyle wasn't in love with either them. 

If he was, he would have told Stan for sure. He always told Stan his secrets.

"I'm going to sleep. Let’s not speak of this again." Stan laid down. He yanked the blankets out from under Kenny's knees to pull over his head. "Good night, your majesty. Sleep well."

Kenny heaved a sigh. "Not as well as we could have, my dear."


	2. Chapter 2

* * *

* * *

The villagers were especially nice the next morning, layering on the compliments and pleasantries to make up for the past day's transgressions. Even the surly teen came up to the queen to quietly apologize, which Kenny graciously accepted, impressively hiding all the bitterness in her voice. After one last glance over by the healer, the two bid their goodbyes, with Kenny promising to bring up the issues of bugbears to Eric when she returned to Kupa Keep.

Stan purposely avoided being alone with Kenny until they rode out of the village. 

The queen trotted her horse beside Stan's. He tried to steer his month away, but she persisted, following until Stan found himself stuck between her and the treeline.

"About what happened..." She chewed her lip when she finally had Stan pinned.

"Nothing happened." Stan didn't look at her. 

The queen sighed. "Stan, I..." She shook her head. "Just know, my offer remains open to you."

They didn't talk again until they came to Kupa Keep. Outside the city, the king's paladin met them to escort them to the court. Kenny greeted him warmly, hugging Sir Leopold longer than Stan thought she ought to, or maybe he was just imagining things. After last night, Stan couldn't help but be scrupulous about all of her interactions.

When they arrived at the castle, both kings were there to greet them. Kenny slid off her horse and made a beeline to throw her arms around Kyle's shoulders, pressing herself against his side and cooing at him about how much she missed him and how hard being apart from him was for her.

 _Lair_ , Stan thought as he dismounted. 

The Wizard King gagged. "Kenny, can you stop hanging from him like a slutty shawl?"

Kyle wrapped his arm around her waist with a glare. "I'll ask you don't call my wife such things." He kissed her on the mouth, and Stan felt his stomach twist.

This couldn't all be an act. No, Kyle had to love Kenny and her alone. He was her husband!

"How about I call your guard a chew toy instead? Your crow’s letter said something about a bugbear?" The Wizard King gestured to Stan. 

Stan had been keeping most of his weight off his bad leg. It was healed well enough but still hurt just a little. When the Wizard King acknowledged him, he purposely distributed his weight evenly across both legs, hiding a wince.

"Stan was very brave!" Kenny snapped. "He wouldn't have gotten hurt if _someone_ had kept a better eye on the bugbear population of the forest. You have to send a party out to either talk with the most powerful bugbear so it can keep it's ilk inline or go clear the forest of them. Don't you remember your own job without me here, Eric?" 

The Wizard King rolled his eyes. "Backless than an hour and you're jumping down my throat, like always." He waved a hand at Kyle. "You two really are perfect for each other. A perfect pain in my ass."

Kyle smirked, holding her tighter to his side. Stan wanted to throw up, both from the dull pain in his leg and from the fake shows of affection. Was this why they were together still? To spite The Wizard King?

"But not as perfect as Craig and Tweek. Where are they? I need to hear the whole story of how they got together! Who asked whom and how it happened and..." She went on, stepping away from Kyle to follow the Wizard King towards the castle door. As per normal with the Human royalty, the insults were soon forgotten, or at least stored away for later revenge fodder, and the two were chatting like good friends.

Kyle waited a moment so he could talk beside Stan instead of following his wife.

"So, a bugbear? How'd that go?"

"Given I'm going to have a scar on my leg from rudimentary healing magic? Could have been better." Stan replied, trying to keep his voice steady. 

"Do you want to see the medic in the castle? I don't know how much he can do for the scar at this point, but at least you wouldn't have to limp around — unless you want Jimmy to make jokes about offering you his crutches." 

Kyle laughed and Stan couldn't look at his best friend's face.

He _wanted_ to pull Kyle aside and demand to know if what Kenny claimed was true, but didn't dare. Not in public like this. There would be a time and a place soon enough.

"I'll go sometime before we leave," Stan promised, though at that point he didn't care about a simple limp.

* * *

With one arm looped around Kyle's, Kenny jabbered on and on to the betrothed men next to her. Stan sat across the table. He tried to focus on the music instead, but that didn't help improve his mood.

Jimmy performed tonight, singing jovial and upbeat songs about spring and true love.

True love is what Stan thought Kyle and Kenny had. 

Stan risked a glance at Craig and Tweek. Unlike Kenny and Kyle, neither of them were hanging off the other. They held hands on the top of the table, but that was the extent of their physical contact.

"I wish you could have been there, your majesty," Tweek was saying, "you would have loved it."

"She would have joined the contest and cheated her way to victory with her perky assets," Craig corrected, and not in a joking manner.

"Craig, you never change." Kenny batted at his shoulder with her fingers.

"Oh, no, princess, I mean, queen." Leopold laughed. "Craig changed a bunch since he and Tweek got together. He's much nicer. That's what love does to you, you know. It changes you for the better."

Craig flipped Leopold off, and Tweek snickered into his hand. 

"What would you know about true love." Craig snorted. "You can't even court that Northern Elf woman without getting tongue-tied like a fool."

"Leave Charlotte out of this!" Leopold demanded around a blush. His eyes darted around nervously before he continued in a whisper, "I'll talk to her when I'm ready to."

With an impish smile, Kenny started asking invasive questions about Leopold's personal life. 

Stan looked down at the table, tracing the wood grain with his eyes. Since their marriage, had Kyle changed for the better because of Kenny? He wracked his brain and found that the answer came up as a no. Kyle was the same as always.

Or was he? If Kenny was to be believed, then he was an adulterer and a liar. He certainly hadn’t been that before his marriage.

The sharp sound of a lute string snapping tore Stan's attention from his thoughts.

Jimmy held up his instrument with a wince then shook his head.

"S-Sorry, folks, looks like my lute's done for the night," He apologized with a laugh. He leaned back and whispered to one of the backup musicians, who nodded at him. "So while I take this l-l-little lute lady away for some fresh strings, I leave you in the capable hands of the lovely Ms. Charlotte and her b-beau-beati...The lovely Ms. Charlotte and her also lovely harp." He bowed for a Northern Elf woman with a harp to take the stage.

Leopold let out a high pitch squeaking sound and hid his face in his hands like a little boy with a playground crush. This did not go unnoticed by Kenny, who began to tease him more relentlessly. 

Stan smiled in spite of himself at Leopold's reaction. In an attempt to distract himself, he began to listen to the conversation farther up between the Wizard King and the palace medic about post-war trade amongst the people of the coasts.

As everyone finished up their final course before dessert was brought out, Stan noticed that Kyle quietly excuse himself and headed out. This was his chance to talk to him alone. 

Stan slipped out of his seat. Keeping to the wall, he inconspicuously walked around to the exit he saw Kyle leave through. 

He wandered down the empty hall, looking around for any sign of his king. Everyone, staff included, had moved into the banquet hall to listen to the performance or admire the return of their beautiful princess.

A snorting laugh came from a room up ahead. Stan stiffen. That was Kyle's laugh, no doubt. Stan knew it anywhere. He followed the sound to a door left a jar. Steeling himself for the awkward conversation he was about to have, he pushed open the door.

His crutches and lute beside him, Jimmy sat on a table with his hands inside Kyle's open robes, tugging at his shirt, and his lips pressed right under Kyle's ear, while Kyle had an arm bracing him up with his hand pressed against Jimmy's side.

Jimmy left a trail of kisses from his ear and down to his mouth. He pulled back, parting his smiling lips to speak when he caught sight of Stan staring at them over Kyle's shoulder.

"S-S-S-Son of a bitch!" Jimmy gasped, jerking his hands away from Kyle, with his ears red as beats. Kyle spun around to follow Jimmy's gaze.

His eyes went as wide as Stan's were. He straightened up, swallowing. "Oh, Stan, what are you doing here?"

"I needed to talk to you and--I can't believe you." Stan gestured to Jimmy with a glare. "You're married to a beautiful woman, and you're feeling up _Jimmy_ of all people?"

Jimmy frowned. "What is that suppose to--" 

Kyle put a hand over his mouth.

"Stan, we can talk about this later, alright? There is a good reason for all this. There really is." Kyle walked over. He rested a hand on Stan's shoulder and began to steer him out the door. Stan spun out of his grasp.

"No, we talk now," Stan snapped. "Kyle, I'm ashamed of you for doing this. Kenny told me you were with other people, but I didn't believe it. I didn't want to. She's your wife. You're supposed to love her."

"She told you?" Kyle asked. He took a breath. "Stan, listen to me, Kenny is amazing. She's great. The people adore her. I admire her, but I don't love her."

"Have you tried?" Stan demanded. He couldn't wrap his head around this. How could they both not love each other? How could anyone not love Kenny if given the chance?

Kyle's shoulders slumped. He glanced at Jimmy over his shoulder, who looked away to examine a crack in the stone wall.

"Stan, please, we can talk about this later, just...go back to the banquet. Please. I promise I'll explain. Just keep quiet about this until later."

Stan stared into his king's eyes, searching for a lie. He was not going to let Kyle get out of this and avoid answering him. 

"I'll come by your room tonight," Stan stated flatly. "Have a good evening, _your majesty_." He sent Jimmy a cold glare over Kyle's shoulder before Kyle took a step to the side, intercepting it like a shield absorbing an arrow.

With a snort, Stan left Jimmy and Kyle to their own devices.

* * *

Kyle did not look entirely pleased when he returned to the banquet hall. Kenny cocked an eyebrow as he took a seat. From his side at the head of the table, Eric turned towards Kyle, clearly about to make a snide comment.

Kenny moved quickly to wrap her arms around his neck and greet him warmly. "Welcome back, my dearest love! You missed quite an interesting story Leopold here was telling me about his training. I think you would find it very interesting, given the work you and Hiedi have been doing."

She hoped seeing Eric's lips raise up in a snarl before he went back to talking with Token would have been enough to improve Kyle's mood, but instead, it made him scowl.

He whispered in her ear. "You told Stan about me and Jimmy?"

Even with her years of training to keep a straight face, it was no trouble at all for her to keep her expression only mildly interested. She had a hunch Stan would go talk to Kyle the first chance he got. 

Kenny stood, hauling Kyle back to his feet. 

"Leopold, tomorrow, you must retell your story to my husband here, but I'm afraid I must bid you all good night for the evening." She pressed against his side, one hand snaking around to rest on his lower back. " _We_ must bid you all a good night. Come on, love." To Craig and Tweek she added coyly, "Don't stay up too late, boys. Remember now, you have the whole honeymoon together."

Craig rolled his eyes as Tweek laughed, claiming they knew that and promised they wouldn't.

Kyle didn't protest when she half pulled him out of the banquet hall. They didn't speak until they returned to their quarters.

"You told Stan," Kyle accused the moment the door shut. 

Kenny nodded. "Yes. I did." She ran her hand on the fabric draped along the walls. Eric had it put up to dampen any sounds that might come from her room when they were a little younger. 

"Why?" He demanded. "He burst in on me and Jimmy in the servants quarters."

"Ha! You and Jimmy feeling all over each other in the servants quarters? You are one brave fucker, Broflovski." She cackled. "Do you know how many times I got caught back there with my skirts up? It's a terrible place to sneak around. Traffic's too high. I suggest the back corner of the garden. It's quiet and sometimes you can overhear Eric conspiring to betray someone."

Kenny grabbed the end of the curtain and spun around so it encircled her like a warm cocoon. 

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Answer the question. Why?"

"Because I thought it would help me get him as mine." She spun back around. "He's such a good, loyal man. I thought if I told him the truth, that I wasn't attempting to do anything with him that you haven't done, then he would fall right into my arms."

"You were trying to seduce my guard?" Kyle's voice was sharp.

Kenny threw out the curtains in her hands to the side. "'Trying,' yes," She agreed. "He's so loyal to you that he rejected me, so, do me a favor when you see him next and tell him you don't give a fuck." She walked until she came to her old vanity then flopped down into the chair and began to rifle through the drawers.

"No."

Kenny looked up, brow furrowed.

"No? What's that supposed to mean? You don't need to say it like I did, but just give him the gist of it. If he knows you're alright about it, then he'll--"

"No, as in, I won't tell him. This is not 'alright'," Kyle stated firmly as he crossed his arms. "I forbid you to peruse him or him to pursue you."

Kenny's mouth gaped open. "What? Why?"

"Any other person in the castle that you think can keep a secret, fine, but not him," Kyle said. "Stanley Marshwalker is off limits to you."

Slamming the drawer shut, she turned in the chair and glared. He held her glare with one of his own. When it came to a battle of determination, the two were evenly matched and their battle could have gone on for the rest of the evening in silence had Kenny not spoken.

"That's not fair." She hissed. "I have held myself as your perfect little wife since we got married. I let you have relations with whomever the fuck you pleased, so why shouldn't I have any with whom I please?"

"I was with Jimmy long before we were forced into matrimony," Kyle reminded coldly. 

"And Heidi? She came with me as part of my court," Kenny snapped, and Kyle fell silent. "See, it's not fair. I'm not even asking to be with more than one person. I just want the chance to have Stan. You can't deny me this. I've been faithful these past years and believe me, it hasn't been fun."

Kyle waved his hand. "Disguise yourself and get a prostitute then if you need cardinal company so badly."

She slapped her hands on the vanity table. "I don't just want physical company. I want to love someone, you curly-haired dolt!" Running her hand through her hair, she took a breath and asked as calmly as she could, "Why, exactly, are you so against me and Stan together?"

Kyle pressed his lips to a line for a moment. Then let out a long breath through his nose.

"Stan is sensitive. He hides it, but he is. You'll string him along, and when you get bored with him, leave him in the dust with a broken heart for someone else." Kyle gritted his teeth. "It is the typical behavior from someone of your background, isn't it?"

"My background? What the fuck does that mean?" She spat, standing up to march over to face him. He was taller than her, so she had to crane her neck to look him in the eyes.

"My background as a Human princess? As an Orc? What happened when I was under The Stick's control? What 'background' could possibly be so terrible?" She demanded to know. This was a test--and Kyle had better answer carefully.

"I was talking about your fickle mother and her decision to jump on the first Orc dick that offered and abandon her people," Kyle answered harshly, stepping forward to assert himself into her personal space.

Kenny flinched back as if she'd been slapped.

How dare he? HOW DARE HE!? After all that she had done for him, he reacts like this?! She let him keep Jimmy. She had no qualms with his pursuit of Heid--all the while she was left alone, pretending she was happy and deeply in love with a person who doesn't even look at her without a spell on.

And he had _the balls_ to insult her mother?

Her magic flared in her hands. At this distance, it would take only one blast to send Kyle through a wall if she wanted. Blast Kyle, run away from the kingdom, find a little village far away, start a new life and never think about all this bullshit ever again. Never have anyone question her loyalty to her kingdoms. Never have anyone insult her over her origins. 

One blast is all it would take...

Kyle felt the magic in the air and braced himself, but Kenny unclenched her hands and hissed out a breath.

"I'll be going now, _my love_. I don't know if I'll come back." Venom dripped from the pet name. Shouldering past him, she stormed out of the room and down the hall.

* * *

Stan paced back and forth in front of one of the castle's wells. The sun set an hour ago and the full moon took its place in the sky. He needed to go talk to Kyle, but he had to get all his thoughts sorted out first.

Did he tell Kyle that Kenny tried to seduce him? Did he want to know when Kyle's affair started? Did he--

A flash of light filled the air with a crackling sound from the practice fields behind the castle. Stan jumped, hand on his sword hilt already. He ran towards the light. 

Was the castle under attack? Was it because of the wedding? Craig and Tweek were both powerful and influential in their respected circles, Craig being the kingdom's spymaster and Tweek an army general. Each of them must have had enemies to spare who would want to destroy their happiness!

Stan skidded to a stop, sword prone to attack, only to see the queen let loose an arrow from her bow. The arrow snuck into sack training dummy before bursting into flames. There was another dummy beside it already engulfed and four more lined up and ready. 

A sigh of relief escaped Stan's lips. He sheathed his sword while calling out, "Your Majesty."

Kenny jumped, swinging her newly strung bow towards Stan. She didn't have her glamour on and the moonlight reflected off her teeth. 

When her eyes fell on him, she relaxed for a moment, before she scowled. 

"Queen Kenny, what are you doing out this late? And why the..." He waved to the training dummies.

She turned her attention back to the dummies. "Stan, surprisingly, you are not who I want to talk with right now. Go the fuck away."

Another dummy burst into flames.

Stan licked his lips. "Is that such a good idea? Fire spells when no one is around to help?"

The last few dummies were set ablaze in rapid secession. Kenny put her fingers to her mouth and whistled. A second later, a flock of ragged looking crows flew overhead, a bucket of water in each of their claws, that they dumped over each of the dummies to extinguish the flames. In turn, each crow dropped the bucket to the ground before settling in a nearby tree.

"This is not the first time I have done this," Kenny stated flatly. "All is well. Go away."

"All doesn't seem well to me." Stan reached out. "I, um, I tried to talk to Kyle, and saw him with Jimmy."

She barked a laugh. "Oh, yes, I heard about that! My dear, loving husband is very pissed off about it. It's not like you would tell, so I don't know what he is worried about." She took another arrow from the quiver on her back. "You're loyal to a fault."

Stan furrowed his brow. "No, I am not. You are married to Kyle. Even if we both want it, It's wrong for us to be together, and you know that." He hoped he sounded more firm in his voice than he actually felt. At this point, her offer looked just as appealing as she did.

"Oh, Stan, Stan, Stan," She chuckled. This time when the arrow hit, a burst of rainbow light wrapped around the dummy and squeezed so hard that the head popped off and rolled to the ground before disappearing in the bushes. The murder of crows let out a round of caws at the decapitation.

She wore a soft smile as she spoke. "Stan, this marriage isn't one Kyle or I wanted. I'm not trying to have an affair on him because I'm fickle and bored with him. If Kyle rejected Eric's offer of my hand, how would that look to the common people? We just ended a war and as far as the layman knows, Kyle had no reason not to accept."

"You two could have tried to love each other," Stan offered.

Kenny heaved a sigh and aimed. "I was willing to try. I was, but even if Kyle's love didn't already belong to another, I doubt he could have ever loved me. He hates that I was raised Human. He hates that I'm half-Orc. He hates how I look. He hates what I did when I had The Stick. He hates that I come from a family that left the Elven Kingdom in a state of disrepair. He could ignore all that for the sake of appearance and friendship, but never for l-love." 

Her voice cracked and the arrow missed, landing in the dirt half way to the dummy. A few of the crows flew down to peck at the arrow.

She held her face in one hand while her shoulders shook. "I'm so foolish. A fine fucking fool. Since I can't die, this is punishment for all the bad I've done. It's not fair." 

The bow clattered from her grip to the ground so she could hide her face with both hands. It hurt to see her like this, so upset and alone. It hurt too much for Stan to bear. 

Ignoring the worry in his chest, he pulled her into a warm, comforting embrace.

* * *

Kyle doubled over with his hands on his knees when he came up to Jimmy outside the castle walls. The moon painted their faces pale in its light. 

"Please say you found her," He panted. 

Jimmy shook his head. "Not h-hide nor hair."

"Fuck. We need to find her before the Wizard King finds out." Kyle ran his hand down his face, inwardly groaning at the thought. He and Kenny had been able to fool that oaf the last few years into thinking his plan backfired on him. He could not bear to see the gloating look on his face if he found out they fought.

"Have you checked that garden?" Kyle asked, straightening up. "She mentioned that this evening before our fight. Maybe she's there."

"I did, but I couldn't find her." Jimmy leaned all his weight onto one crutch. "First Stan, now this. Fate f-f-fucking us right up the ass today."

"It is," Kyle agreed. "I wish we'd brought Heidi with us."

"She would have sent a fireball at the Wizard King the moment he spoke to her," Jimmy pointed out. 

"I meant that she can use tracking spells to find Kenny, but I don't see a problem with that as well," Kyle admitted. When it came to organizing and getting things done, Kyle couldn't say he ever met someone as efficient at such a task as Heidi and her drive to succeed. With her, they would have already found Kenny and had all of this settled and behind them.

If only she were here, he wouldn't have gotten so bored at the banquet that he snuck off. They were currently studying the effects of holy magic on the methods of spellcasting between Humans and Elves. Paladin Leopold would have been the perfect person to discuss that with.

Or, if only he had brought Jimmy with him when he confronted Kenny about it instead of hotheadedly letting Kenny drag him back to their room for the conversation. Jimmy could have defused the situation with ease before it escalated with his wit and humor.

Though, that was the problem, wasn't it? Kyle had been lucky enough to meet two people who kept his interest and brought out his best. Kenny didn't have even one person like that for herself. 

According to the law, Kyle was supposed to be that person, but he just couldn't. She was too loud, too extroverted and personable and flirtatious. Knowing her origins certainly didn't help either. She was the daughter of a runaway queen that left all the Elven royalty fighting and backstabbing to claim the throne for their own. Her mother's actions caused a giant mess that took well into his own mother's reign to clean up. 

Kyle could look past the being raised Human. He could forgive her action under the control of The Stick of Truth. He could even try to ignore how she looked without a glamour on. But never what her mother did.

How could he ever trust someone with that kind of lineage with his best friend's heart?

Kyle shook himself from his thoughts. "Jimmy, keep looking. I need to find her."

"Are you sure that's a g-good idea?" Jimmy questioned. "Sounds like what you said really upset her. Maybe you should leave her a-al-alone. So what if the Wizard King finds out you two had a spat? Lovers do that, you know."

"I won't let him have the satisfaction." He tapped his heel against the ground. The Human lands didn't team with the type of magic Kyle used, but it didn't take much for him to summon a root to lift him up from the ground to get a better view of the wide expanse of stables and training grounds behind the castle. 

If anyone saw him and asked, he would claim he was trying to get a better look at the far off forest. Humans usually saw Elves as tree loving animists, anyway, so they'd believe him. 

A flash of fire caught his eye. Magical fire. Kyle slid down the root and hopped to the ground. "Come on." He gestured for the root to lower before dragging Jimmy towards the light.

* * *

Kenny leaned against Stan's side, her knees pulled to her chest with Stan's arm around her shoulder. Her quiver sat discarded near the tree while the crows gleefully playing with the arrows.

"He said that to you?" Stan squeezed her arm.

She nodded. "Yeah. I know Mom leaving the kingdom for my dad didn't end well for the Elves, but that's not my fault."

"We're not our parents," Stan agreed, "but Kyle is so much like his mother that I don't think he can see that easily."

"I met her twice, his mother, I mean, and that was more than enough," Kenny giggled, nuzzling up against him. She was warm, and Stan couldn't help but enjoyed the closeness. A sudden thought that it wouldn't take much to lean down and kiss her pushed to the front of his mind. He let it settle there a moment longer than he knew he ought to before dismissing it.

"She's not that bad. Her Majesty was like a second mother to me when I was growing up." 

"And yet you still turned out a better man than Kyle," Kenny teased. 

"I should tell on him," Stan mused. "His mother would chew his ear off."

"Oh, please do." Kenny covered her smile. 

Stan stared at her expression, awestruck. She was lovely. How could Kyle hate that face? The Orcish features weren't that bad. They made her distinct, Stan thought.

She noticed him staring and smiled wide enough to expose all of her front teeth, sharpen canines included. Stan's ears turned pink, but he didn't try to hide them this time. 

Readjusting herself, Kenny inched her face closer to his. She paused, giving Stan a chance to back away. He didn't want to, not anymore. Her eyes flicked up to meet his, their lips a breath away from each others'.

"You're--"

"Kenny!" 

Stan jerked away, turning his attention to the newcomers, while Kenny cursed.

Kyle jogged into the training area. Sweat ran down his face, pasting his curls to his forehead. Jimmy followed him not long after. His face was red. Jimmy had to balance himself against the fence as he panted. 

"There you are!" Kyle sighed. "I thought you might have run away."

Kenny snorted, crossing her arms over her knees. "Oh, like my mother?"

Kyle gritted his teeth. "Don't start that, Kenny."

Stan stood abruptly as all his anger boiled up at once. Kenny nearly fell without the support but caught herself. Fueled by righteous fury, Stan marched up to jab a finger into Kyle's chest.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" He demanded. 

"Stan, this isn't your conversation. Go stand with Jimmy," Kyle ordered as he swiped Stan's finger down. 

"It became mine when you decided to include me in it." Stan crossed his arms. "Now answer me. What the hell is wrong with you? How could you say something like that to her? Insulting her mother? As if your parents didn’t make fool hearted decisions before during their reign!"

From the fence, Jimmy said, "Stan, just st-stand down. It's best to let them sort this out thems-sel-selves." 

Stan sent Jimmy a glare that made him turned his head away. They both knew this was Stan's battle now too, and Stanley Marshwalker never ran from a battle.

Kyle dragged his hand down his face. "I didn't want to say this, but you become useless when you're emotionally hurt. I can't risk that. You and she cannot be. Kenny will hurt you."

"Then you _and he_ ," Stan gestured to Jimmy, "cannot be. Or you and Heidi. They could both hurt you, and _you_ make terrible choices when you’re angry." Kyle opened his mouth, but Stan continued, "You're not being fair. Not to Kenny for denying her this and not to me for keeping me, your best friend, in the dark."

"Did you really want to be involved in royal adulatory, Stan?" Kyle hissed. "Really? Do you want to forever be known at the paramour to the Half-Orc queen? That's how you would be remembered? What you did during the war will mean nothing to the future generations then."

"I..." His shoulders slumped and he took a step back, looking away. Kenny let out a quiet, disappointed sigh from behind him.

Kyle put a hand on his shoulder. "She can find someone else. With her glamour on, she's stunning. It'll be easy for her to catch anyone she wants."

Stan's head shot up. He shouldered off his best friend's hand. "She's stunning without it! Just look at her right now." He threw out his arm towards her. "She's the most beautiful creature I've seen come from this kingdom."

Kenny flushed, raising a hand to her teeth, before looking away with a grateful smile.

"And you know what?" Stan continued. "If I'm not remembered for my contribution to the war, fine! I'll be dead, so why should I care?" He pushed Kyle back. "If you can have a paramour, then so should she. At least with me, you know she isn't in danger or that I plan to use her to get to you." 

Stan's hard, determined gaze met Kyle's and held it. 

Anger painted Kyle's ears and cheeks as red as his hair. His lips rose in a snarl, and Stan braced himself for the wrath of the High Elf King when a hand fell on Kyle's forearm.

"Kyle, just let it go." Jimmy shook his head. "He had a p-point and you know it. It's not fair for you to have people who love you and for you to love, and she doesn't."

"But--" Kyle started.

"H-Hiedi would agree with me. She's said so before." Jimmy squeezed his arm. Kyle groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. His anger began to wane away from his face.

"She would," He agreed. "She has."

"That's, hmmm, four against one," Jimmy chirped. "By the power of democracy, you, my dear king, have to allow it."

Kyle laughed. He gazed at Jimmy so affectionately that Stan wasn't sure how he never made the connection that their relationship went far beyond platonic. Kenny walked up to stand beside Stan then. Stan caught her eye with a small smile. She returned it then bumped their shoulders together.

"I'm still against this," Kyle told Stan, "but there's no point arguing anymore, is there? Do what you want." He spun on his heels, rubbing circles into his temples. "I'm tired as hell."

Kenny glanced at Stan. "I think I'll stay here a little while longer." She said.

Kyle waved his hands nonchalantly. "Do what you want," He repeated.

Jimmy breathed a laugh. "I'll make sure he remembers to arrange some reason for you two to have time alone together. Might th-think of something one of you wants to learn from the other. The royal library back home is very private." He winked.

"You're the best, Jimmy." Stan held out his hand.

Jimmy shrugged, slapping Stan's palm with his own. "We man m-mistresses have to stick together." 

Once Jimmy disappeared with Kyle, Kenny took a step away. She loosely crossed her arms over her stomach then took a long breath and let it out in a whistle. "So, did you mean that? Do you really want to be with me? That wasn't all just because you were mad at how Kyle treated me?"

Stan scratched the back of his head. "Well, I was mad at Kyle. Not just for being a dick to you. I was mad he didn't tell me anything about Hiedi and Jimmy. It just all came out, I guess."

"So, is that a no?" She tensed, ready for the rejection.

"No, it's a yes." Stan caressed her cheek. "I think it's wrong. I think your whole marriage is wrong, but, I know there isn't anything I can do about that."

"No, not really."

Stan stroked her cheek with his thumb before leaning forward. He hesitated just a moment to glance around one last time when Kenny grabbed his shirt and yanked him forward, smashing their lips together for a long wanted first kiss.

* * *

Kenny sniffed, throwing her arms out. "Oh, the ceremony was beautiful! Your love vows were so sweet."

Tweek tugged at his shirt, blushing. "Craig's was better than mine. He's such a romantic."

"I took half of mine from old love poems." Craig squeezed Tweek's hand then kissed his hair. "Yours was from your heart alone."

"See, a romantic!" Tweek chuckled, bumping him with his hip.

Kenny set one hand on each of their shoulders. "Aaaaaaah! You two will make each other so happy!"

As Kenny gushed over the newlyweds, Stan took a step closer to Kyle. 

"So, um, about last night," Stan whispered. "You're not too mad at me, are you?"

"I am mad, but I was outvoted. Not much I can do about it other than be mad." Kyle turned over the leaf of the potted plant to his left, his and Kenny's wedding gift: A tree blessed by the druids. It was to be planted outside the couple's home, as was tradition amongst Elven kind. It was not too unlike the one planted in the grove at the Elven castle for his own wedding.

"I can keep a secret," Stan assured, "and I can keep her happy."

Kyle lifted a shoulder. "I'm sure you can." He sighed, his expression softening from professional indifference to apologetic. "Don't worry about me. I'll get over it. She assures me she isn't going to string you along or hurt you. She's my wife, so I guess I have no choice but to trust her."

Stan elbowed him in the side, like when they were both still teenagers, and Kyle elbowed him back, leaving Stan assured that there was no deep ill-will between them over what happened. Kyle's anger would wane in time, Stan just had to wait it out.

* * *

Even with the sun shining down, the weather was a little too cool for Kenny’s tastes. Summer was supposed to be horribly hot, not pleasent., and yet, somehow the many flowers of the garden still thrived. The foliage was thick and lush. The flowers filled the royal garden with a marriage of lovely scents with every gentle wind gust. The leaves overhead were so tightly packed that only the barest bit of the filtered light fell across the couple.

It was almost as private escape as the gardens at Kupa Keep and Kenny found she quite liked it, even without the opportunity to overhear a political betrayal.

Kenny snuggled back against Stan’s warm front. She held up a small yellow flower from the gathering of blooms and sprigs in her lap.

“What’s this?” She asked.

Turning his head to the side, Stan rested his cheek on the top of her head. He took one hand from around her shoulders to take the flower and spin it in his fingers.

“Um, it’s a... _buavavercup_?” He offered with uncertainty in his voice. Plant words were a new lesson to him, and he wasn’t having as easy of a time with them as he had with animal words. 

Kenny nodded, not bothering to correct that he put the emphasis on the wrong syllable, and held up a plain, white daisy.

“That’s a _daiukausan_ ,” Stan replied quickly. 

“This?” She held up a fragrant sprig of rosemary with some small blue blooms. This was a word she had taught him nearly a week ago and hadn’t brought up again, so she didn’t expect him to get it right.

Stan screwed up his face in thought, tapping against his other forearm with the hand he still had encircled around her shoulders. He uh-ed and um-ed for a moment then made a sound of realization.

“Rosemary is _roo...ah..roa...roke...roukemarausan!_ ” He rushed through the word, slurring half the letters together.

“ _Roukemarausan_ ,” Kenny replied slowly, taking time to pronounce it as clearly as possible. “Alright, and this is a hard one.” She took a pale pink dahlia flower from the pile before setting the rest off to the empty bench seat beside them. “What is this? In Orcish?”

There was certainly no possible way Stan knew this one. Kenny only chose that one in case Stan got all the others correct so she could console him when he got it wrong with a kiss. He always perked right up with a stroke of the cheek and a kiss. It was adorable.

Stan chewed his lip. “Oh, a dahlia? You never told me that one. I don’t know the word.”

Kenny smirked, turning in his arms. Slipping the flower behind his ear, she kissed his lips quickly. “That was a trick question. There is no word for ‘dahlia’ in Orcish. We just call it what it’s called in common tongue.” Resting her arms across his shoulders, going in for another kiss. “You’re so clever.”

Someone cleared their throats, making the two jump.

“Sorry for interrupting,” Hiedi apologized, readjusting her wide brim hat with her free hand while the other held a large wicker basket. Kyle stood beside her, her fist to his mouth, instead he had been the one to scare them.

Kenny quickly recomposed herself, settling to sit forward, but recline comfortable back against Stan. Stan, himself, felt stiffen and unsure at being caught.

“It’s no trouble,” Kenny replied smoothly. “What brings you two love birds to the garden of dirty little secrets?”

“That’s not what it’s called.” Kyle rolled his eyes. 

“It is now,” She teased, resting her head in the crock of Stan’s neck. “It’s a garden. It’s private, perfect for secret affairs, and there is dirt everywhere.”

Finally relaxing, Stan snorted a laugh into his hand. She made a note to thank him for indulging her little joke later when Kyle and Hiedi left.

Kyle opened his mouth to speak, but Hiedi put a hand to his chest and stepped forward. “We’re here for our project.” She held up her large basket which was nearly half filled with an assortment of flowers, leaves, and even full plants pulled up by the roots. “We need a particular set of plants to compare if the difference of healing magic used by Human warlocks of the coastal regions and those used by Northern, Elven warlocks is based in one using dry ingredients and one using fresh or if the difference stems from the fundamental difference in how Humans draw out magic to be used.”

Kenny nodded, but Stan furrowed his brow. Of them all, he was the only one of the four not to understand the interworkings of magic at all.

“I’ll explain it later if you want,” She whispered to him. 

“I don’t know if I care that much.” He muttered back. Then he took a breath and asked, “Do you need help finding them?” Carefully disentangling Kenny from around him and his arms from around her, he got to his feet.

“We can manage—”

“Of course we could!” Hiedi hurried over to Stan. “Some of what we need are tree leaves, so you can reach up and get them for me. You rest here, your majesty. This won’t take too long. I promise.”

“Wait for me,” Kyle took a few steps, but Hiedi looked over her shoulder at him with a hard, pointed expression. He flinched back and looked away, not in a hurt or annoyed way, but in an embarrassed way, as if he’d been caught.

Stan raised an eyebrow but shrugged. He would probably ask Hiedi about it when they were out of earshot. When he returned, after Kyle and Hiedi left, she would badger him for more information.

After Hiedi and Stan wandered farther into the garden, Kyle and Kenny shared a few, tense, silent moments. She was still a little upset over Kyle’s actions the day before the wedding a month ago. Kyle knew it, and they had both taken great efforts to avoid being alone with each other. He hadn't even bothered to make an excuse to sleep in the royal library instead of their room anymore. Not that Kenny minded that much. Kyle sprawled on the bed and it pissed her off anyway.

Finally, Kyle heaved a sigh.

“So, you’re teaching Stan Orcish?” He asked, not looking at her.

“I am. He’s picking it up pretty fast. It’s quite a valuable language, honestly. You should learn it sometime.” She plucked the sprig of rosemary from the pile. “With another teacher other than me, of course. I’m a one pupil woman.”

Kyle took a shaking breath and ignored her antagonizing remark to reply, “You must be doing a good job. Stan looked like a puppy getting a treat for fetching a stick when you told him he was clever.” There was a slight condescending tone in his voice.

“Was that an insult?” She countered, snapping the sprig in half.

Kyle thought on it a moment. “No. that was an observation.”

Kenny hummed but didn’t reply. Instead, she attempted to weave her pile of flowers into a small messy crown. In all honesty, this was still going a little better than Kenny thought their first actual conversation would go. She would take icy silence overheated arguing this time.

Kyle ran his hand through his hair before carefully coming to stan in front of her. She looked up at him with disinterest.

“I...need to apologize.” His voice sounded forced and uncomfortable. “I should not have assumed your character like I did last month. It does seem that you and Stan could work. You do seem to make him happy.”

Kenny dropped her crown in surprise. Quickly gathering herself, she laughed. “Oh, if you had just judged my character, I wouldn’t have been mad. My own character has a history of...” she hummed, “let’s say insatiable physical desire, and a fairly poor...record of treachery. If that was all that you used to decide I was a detriment to Stan, then I would have let you have it.”

“You wouldn't have gone after him?” Kyle took a step back, eyebrows raised enough to hide behind his curly bangs.

“Oh, no, I would have, but I would have done so secretly behind your back.” She corrected, picking back up her crown. The different stems did not all weave together properly and some of the flowers had fallen away. She went on, “But when you insulted all that I had little or no control over, you pissed me off.”

Kyle crossed his arms. “Yes,” He breathed, “and that was wrong of me. Very wrong. I shouldn’t have done it. I just didn’t want Stan hurt.”

Kenny eyed him up and down a moment, considering what to say. She could needle him on if she wanted. He deserved to feel guilty for the insult, she thought, but even she was growing tired of these interpersonal politics.

“That doesn’t make what you said any less hurtful, but I forgive you.” Kenny patted to the seat next to her. Kyle smiled; His whole face filled with relief as he took the seat. The next few moments held no more talking that before, but this time the silence was a comfortable one.

When Hiedi returned, she came alone with a basket full of flowers and leaves. 

“I think I got everything,” She held out the basket for Kyle to examine.

“Bayleaf? Hazelnut bark? Baby’s breath?” He asked, picking through the basket.

“All of it,” she replied, offering her free hand to help him stand. Setting his arm across her back to rest his hand on her hip, Kyle took her hat from her head. With the sizable difference in their heights, he had to bend his knees to plant a kiss on the top of her head before returning the hat. He reminded Kenny of a foal buckling his knees down to the grass to try and copy his mother. According to Stan, Kyle used to be quite the gangly teenager, and she was sure he would enjoy the mental image if she shared it with him.

“That should be all we need.” He told her.

“Where’s Stan?” Kenny asked with a frown, looking around Hiedi for him. 

“He said he had to attend to something, but he would be back soon,” Hiedi replied, leaning against Kyle’s side. “We need to get going. These have to be organized and divide before we can start our testing.”

Kenny settled back with a nod. “Ah, alright, you two go ‘organize and divide’ to your heart's content, then.” She waved her hand for them to go. 

Kyle attempted to pull Hiedi along with him, but she planted her self and sent him an inquiring look. With a heavy sigh, Kyle nodded to her.

“We talked it out. I apologize. She accepted. I learned my lesson. You can stop pestering me about it now..” He sounded like he’d rehearsed, but Heidi smiled and looked contented with his reply anyway. This time, she took the lead and was the one to drag him away after a farewell to her queen.

Kenny watched them disappear through the greenery. Hiedi and Jimmy were good matches for Kyle. It was a wonder his tempter and righteous nature hadn’t gotten him in more trouble before those two entered his life.

The rustling of bushes caused her to swing her head up.

Stan came walking back with his arms and face covered in scratches, leaves, and bramble caught on his clothing and hair, and a wide smile plastered across his lips.

“For you,” He announced, holding out a bundle of roses to her. “ _Roukeuk_.” He proudly told her in Orcish, putting a little too much emphasis on the vowels. She blushed and took them anyway.

“They’re lovely! And you wounded yourself so greatly attempting to get them, I see.” She gestured to the cuts on his arm. Stan reached up and rubbed a scratch on his cheek with his wrist, but kept a grin on his face the whole time. 

He did look like a puppy.

Crooking a finger for him to lean down, Kenny pushed herself forward to press a kiss to his lips. If Stan still had any regrets over their relationship, he didn't show it as he pulled her closer, pressing the roses between their chests.

* * *

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone enjoyed~  
> Feel free to tell me what you all thought. This was a little outside my normal comfort zone content-wise.

**Author's Note:**

> [My writing tumblr](https://uas-fics.tumblr.com)   
>  [The Orcish transltor I used](https://lingojam.com/BlackSpeechTranslator)
> 
>  
> 
> Next update should be next Sunday.


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